I decided to type it out. Write it out. It is hard to articulate how I am processing this. I woke up to the news of 8 women murdered by a white man — 6 of them were of Asian descent. And at first I just scrolled by. I don’t think I processed it. Or I didn’t want to. I just ignored it. It’s another murder. Another crime. It doesn’t affect me. Or at least I don’t want it to affect me. I don’t know.
Then I see it. Posted over and over again. Since this is my social media feed. My circle. My Asian American community. And it just eats at me. And eats at me. Why did you scroll by? Why don’t you care? What don’t you want to care? You cared before.
But to care means to open up the maelstrom inside. Because there are so many layers. And so many feelings and thoughts that come flooding out. To acknowledge the fear and anger and hurt. To want to scream at others, DO YOU SEE? DO YOU SEE THAT THIS IN PART EMERGED FROM DANGEROUS RHETORIC FROM A FORMER LEADER WHO DID NOT SEEM TO CARE ABOUT THE CARELESS STATEMENTS OR TWEETS MADE TO THE PUBLIC? A former leader who did not (or even worse, maybe he did) realize how powerful his words are to those who follow him? Followers who are quick to further pervert his words and become extremely dangerous?
We have long since known that anti-Asian sentiment has been here well before Covid-19. And when I write, “we” it is not the royal universal we, but the we that makes up the small but mighty Asian and Asian-American population here in the United States. We have always known this. We have always been othered even at the same time that we were held up and lauded as this “model minority,” but that is another story for another day. However, since the pandemic has taken hold of our country, our world, it has exploded leaps and bounds — simple phrases such as “China virus” and “Wuhan virus” that have taken hold of others who do not know any better and then they apply it as a blanket generalization for all Chinese individuals. And then they umbrella all Asians since “we all look like.” WE ARE NOT A MONOLITH — again, another story for yet another day… notice a trend? And then it becomes dangerous when anger takes hold. Regardless of political affiliation, I think you can clearly see the correlation behind careless rhetoric and dangerous actions. Let us sit in that for a bit.
We have long since been sorted into these compartments of expectations.
That we are quiet, submissive, and we work hard so we have money and that makes our innocent elderly good targets to attack and steal from.
That we are quiet, submissive, and smart so we are good to work with because we’ll do the work — and more often than not, we actually WILL do the work because that is how we were raised. So we do it without question.
And then there is this. That we are quiet, submissive, and sexual so we are objectified and no longer real humans. That because we work at a massage parlor there is an expectation of a “happy ending” for you. But have you ever considered that poverty is a vicious cycle and not everyone can find a better life? Have you ever considered that maybe we are simply that, a masseuse? Have you ever considered the difficulty to rise from poverty and do more? When you are limited in English with minimal access to education and continuously living paycheck to paycheck, it’s awfully hard to find a better opportunity. We only see the “crazy rich Asians,” but we never see the poverty that most Asian populations struggle with in America. Have you ever considered the sticky floor that many people cannot rise from? We only read and hear about the glass ceilings and bamboo ceilings being broken because those are the beautiful shining “American dream” narratives we want to hear, but we never truly hear about those who cannot get out of it because the opportunity. Is. Never. There. Do not tell me that those beautiful working women should have expected this treatment or known better. It makes me sick that anyone would dare justify the deaths of the women simply because of where they worked. Do not tell me anything until you know their story and their lives.
It makes me angry that they are trying to provide rationale for his intention. No, angry is not enough. Livid. Fuming. White-hot rage that is not just seeping out but clawing its way from under my skin. “Sexual addiction” and getting rid of “temptation” as if that has nothing to do with race. This has everything to do with race. Asian women have long since been fetishized and oversexualized and I do not know if people really know what it means to be a young Asian woman in America.
I think my parents would weep with horror if they knew the sheer amount of the disgusting encounters I have had growing up from high school and throughout college with men leering at me, asking me where I am from, asking me if I were Japanese or Chinese, “complimenting” on my petite size as if it were some kind of achievement, and comments that are too filthy for me to type out. When I am with Asian girlfriends, men will ask to take pictures of us. Why? Why do you need to take a picture? It makes my skin crawl. And then that quick flash of anger I see in their eyes when I try to walk away and ignore them. I do not like saying no and talking back. It scares me because I do not know what they will do. As if I had some audacity to say no to them because that is why I am here on this earth in this country. And that because our Asian men are not deemed as masculine I should be throwing myself at you, I should be so lucky that you are even looking my way and paying attention to me. It is dehumanizing. I feel dirty. Less than. As if my skin were a gift for you. It’s not. It’s mine. It belongs to me.
I do not get it anymore thankfully. Because in the past few years, I like wearing sweats and loose shirts when I am out and about if I am not with somebody. I like wearing sunglasses so they don’t see my eyes. And you know what? An added benefit of wearing masks is now it covers the rest of my face. So I don’t have to deal with it. And I am not this super beautiful person, I am just a regular Asian woman. But I still feel this way and deal with these things. And I am but one story. One narrative. And I know that my narrative is but a FRACTION of what other Asian women have faced. I guess I am lucky. I live in a “diverse” area. So no. Do not tell me that it was simply a sexual addiction and not race-related. DO NOT TELL ME IT WAS NOT A HATE CRIME. Do not erase race from the narrative because it is much a part of the narrative. Because those innocent women who were killed could have easily been someone like me.
So there’s that. Layers. There are more layers to this. It hits hard.
And I did not want to say anything. I still do not want to say anything. I do not know if I will post this on my own social media. I know I am preaching to the choir because our social feeds tend to be an echo chamber. And I did not post much before. I did at one point. I had so much gusto and passion for social justice issues and sharing in my pathetic attempts to do something. But what’s the point? What does it do? Who does it reach? Am I just seeking attention for another pity like or react? Another person who thinks, “Oh wow, this chick is so woke.” *either insert sarcastic eyeroll or awe-inspired feeling here because let us be honest, both are real reactions that occur* So I stopped. Stopped it all. Turned it off so I could try and heal within. Let others do the work and post away because they are just saying what I would have said anyways. Why be a part of the broken record?
And then I think that is a part of what holds me back. I felt guilty. Guilty for living a “normal” life and posting all the “normal things” and not seeming like I am doing the work — I promise, I am. Guilty for wanting to draw attention to this, but I should be able to — is this gaslighting? Guilty for feeling like I am taking away from the pain and oppression of others — it’s not oppression Olympics, there’s space for all of us.
But I just feel like I have not “suffered enough” to be able to shout from the rooftops about the injustices. I have not done enough work for others to be able to cry and hurt and be angered.
But I really want people to fully sit in the understanding that bigger picture, it IS white supremacy and bigotry and years of imperialism/colonization and the framing of Asian women by Hollywood and literature (and let us be frank, it is largely controlled by White people) that has led to this. And the tipping point was a former leader who so callously threw words around like candy. All of this has settled deep in the bones of others, others who might not be as educated and open-minded to understand better. Individuals who rob and mug old Asian elders because they have learned that Asians as the model minority have money, are submissive and will not fight back, and are “deserving” of these attacks because THAT IS HOW THE MEDIA PORTRAYS THEM. Other individuals who treat Asians like they are dirty because again, Asians have been OTHERED because we aren’t American enough and we are apparently the cause of this virus (because apparently we are all Chinese). We are torn in so many directions. Where do we go from here?
I feel helpless and angry and sad.
